I gave myself too much leeway the last nine months. I became so wrapped up in minute by minute minutia I lost focus. Perhaps it was the rush of last year post wedding. We experienced a fairytale and returned to New York to a whirlwind of speeding time that consisted of business trips, immigration interviews, a new job, and an apartment and borough move. Time was rushing, racing, flying, and then the world came to a screeching halt on March 13 and all the balls I was juggling remained suspended in the air, and I slowly raised my head to examine them. Then three months of quarantine passed, and there was no excuse not to write. But though the three months stretched, they also flew, and days turned into weeks and no thoughts made their way out of my head and onto paper. Time stood still and there was nowhere to go, but the writing muscles became atrophied and the motivation faded. “Regular life” started to pick back up and before I knew it, it was July 3rd. Hamilton came out on Disney Plus and I streamed it along with millions of others. The music spoke to me through its genius, poignancy, humor, and truth. One song’s chorus chanted “Why do you write like you’re running out of time?” And I was jolted awake. We are all running out of time, each minute, each day. Why have I let this strange time in history push me to sleep? So I thought, what should I write about? I took the first step and recognized I have no time, I’ve got to write again - but I doubted I had anything valid to share. But I do, if I continue to notice the small things. Murat and I wanted to take a walk in Brooklyn yesterday, and being new to the neighborhood and the borough I Googled where to go. I found the Brooklyn Heights Promenade and thousands of users had shared their reviews touting the loveliness of the park. One review stopped me in my tracks and stayed with me all day. They wrote, “It remind me holding my woman,s hand making me feel so important.” The purity of this statement made me cry. My heart swelled thinking about this person, and the feelings this place stirred in them. Murat and I stepped out into the 90 degree heat and began walking the promenade. We found stunning views and a walk we had no idea existed so close to our new neighborhood. As we turned around and began to head back, I took Murat’s hand. He gave me an audible, ‘aww’ and a firm squeeze. I too, felt important, and I think so did he. My tears flickered again, with the human privilege of feeling important and reciprocating that feeling to someone I love.
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We all have something to say, something to share. An observation (or several) worth telling to as many people who will listen. Today I've realized that I should not be afraid to tell my stories, and continue to deny myself my love of writing for fear of becoming too vulnerable. I've wrestled with starting a new blog for a long time now, with all the dark and highly effective reasons for not doing one consistently penetrating the forefront of my mind: no one will like it, you'll open yourself to criticism, people will judge you, you're exposing yourself too much, what you have to say doesn't mean anything to anyone. Maybe all of the above is true. But right now, in this moment, I don't really care anymore. If someone doesn't like what I write, well, that's probably likely, and it's also OK! And as my dear friend and mentor would say to me, "Jac, sometimes you just have to do things for yourself." So that's why I'm here. I'm going to become a better writer by delving in to my present, past, and future, and writing about what I see and find in this beautiful life. The only thing I have to lose is time. Jacqueline ChambersReflecting on my experiences with the world, my neighborhood, and my home. Categories All |
JacquelineReflecting on my experiences with the world, my neighborhood, and my home. Archives
November 2023
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